I Just Want a Hot Fudge Sundae (And a Break From Healing)

Why healing from trauma is exhausting—and what keeps me going anyway

Karen enjoying fresh tropical juice and a homemade chia pudding dessert in Bali. Photo Credit: Rachel Sarah Thurston

For the last five weeks and on and off throughout my life, I’ve struggled with staying centered.

I’ve often wondered, Why can’t I stay calm? Why can’t I stay steady through uncertainty? A dear friend lost a pet unexpectedly and I couldn’t work for at least a day. I was overcome with sorrow and grief. If I have an unpleasant encounter with someone in town while doing errands, it can send me into a tailspin for the rest of the day as I replay the interaction in my mind.

I wake up in the middle of the night riddled with worry and suffer from chronic nightmares.

When I mentioned this chronic state of reactivity to Rachel—my daughter and branding/writing coach—she reassured me, “Those are normal trauma responses, Mama.”

For ten years, I’ve been using the Dynamic Neural Retraining System (neural retraining for limbic impairment) tools to heal from life’s traumas. I’m also been participating in ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics or other family dysfunction), a program designed to help adults “re-parent themselves” with compassion and heal from childhood trauma.

I’ve been experiencing improvements in loving myself and catching my triggers more quickly.

And I no longer talk to myself like my father did.

I’m proud of my commitment to self-care and healing.

That said, I realize I still have so much more work to do. I want to be less reactive in life. As ACA says, “I want to be an actor and not a reactor.”

Although I understand both programs’ tenets of trauma responses, I guess I missed the daily, minute by minute, reasons behind my emotional responses. And, until Rachel pointed out that these were common trauma responses, I thought I was the only person to feel emotionally unbalanced.

For years I’ve been telling myself, Everyone else has this figured out, except me.

According to countless studies including a 2018 paper in the Journal of Affective Disorders, trauma, “particularly childhood trauma, can significantly impact an individual’s emotional regulation skills. This connection exists because traumatic events can disrupt the normal development of the brain’s emotion regulation centers.” Their study highlighted how young individuals with a “history of trauma often shows increased activity in the amygdala, the region of the brain responsible for processing emotions.”

Years ago, I added to my toolkit and developed a personal style of meditation which keeps me more centered. I ask my ancestors and Higher Power for their guidance. This practice has grounded me for years, helps me feel less fragmented and less reactive to unsettling daily experiences.

What I want to be is an unmovable granite boulder in life’s foaming rapids.

So, again, my answers are within me. My work within the two programs is not yet done. My work, using my tools, and remembering my homework is ongoing.

And, sometimes, I get tired. I just want to relax. I just want a hot fudge sundae.

Meanwhile, I am grateful for the many blessings of my life.

Are you also a sensitive person or an empath who struggles with ups and downs like I do? If you don’t mind sharing, what are your tools? Please feel free share them in the comments below.